Пятница Ponderings: The Shoulds and Wishes

Ponder: to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate 
Пятница (PYAHT-nee-tsuh): Friday in Russian

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Do you ever stop and think about your life?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, what have I done with my life?

It's an interesting conversation to have with yourself:

• I had a good childhood.
• I grew up.
• ...
• Graduated high school. 
• Graduated college. 
• Got a job/started a career. 
• Made friends. 
• ... 
• Met The Doctor and got married. 
• Had children. 
• Raised children. 
• ...
• Started a business with The Doctor. 
• Got a dog. 
• Did a little traveling.
• ...

Bullet points are great, aren't they? Little bits of information, but all the details are unknown or it's assumed that the speaker will fill them in later.

I don't think I will. Because all those unsaid details? Those are the things I remember, cherish, appreciate, regret, and ponder.

In those details are also questions. Why did we make that decision? Did I do the right thing? What if I'd done that instead? Would it have been better to...? How did that affect...? 

As with most things in social media, everything appears perfect on the outside. I don't follow "influencers" on any platform and I hate the manufactured manipulations of TikTok, so I'm not on there. But, I do follow friends and family on Instagram and Facebook. And I love seeing what happens in their lives and celebrating events and accomplishments with them and mourning when they mourn. 

But, in seeing what others do, it's so easy to think, "They've made a difference, but I haven't." Or, "they've traveled and taken advantage of opportunities and I haven't." Or, "I hate people with perfect teeth." And, "I should have learned about health and learned to like exercise when I was younger." And of course the ubiquitous, I wish. "I wish I had tried harder... I wish I had said this or done that..." 

Are those things true? Perhaps. Do those people look at others they know and think the same thing? Perhaps.

We all have "shoulds" and "wishes" in our lives. But, does it help to look back on our past experiences and think about all the negatives? Only if you can learn from it.

This week, I've had more shoulds and wishes showing up in my internal conversations. They come and go. Sometimes they pass and often they linger. It's been fascinating and educational to process them.

I can't change what I did or didn't do 20, 30, or 40 years ago. However, I can control what I do going forward. It's taken me a long time and a lot of soul searching and soul healing to learn this. And even then, it's still a process.

What about you? Do you have moments of should and wishing?